Lou is AFK

Lou~25~Cis she/her~married~a sprinkle of mental illness & neurodivergence~ Welcome to whatever the hell this is!

Sep 22.2023

This is everything. I didn’t know happiness like this was possible.

Handed in my notice at work. I wasn’t sure if I’d maybe want to work a couple of days a week to just be around adults for a bit. I don’t. Also I read somewhere that only 20% of autistic adults have any kind of employment. I was working about 30 hours a week during term time (Not including the coming home and worrying about young people I genuinely care about which saps energy just like actually working does) along with the hours involved with housekeeping. And I realised I’d probably been pushing myself too hard. Leaving the house is my biggest energy sapper. So even though being a mum is definitely harder than my job was, I have more energy to do it. And I’m really good at it. So it’s giving me self esteem and that’s something I’d never really had before. So no. I don’t want to go back to work. I don’t know what I’d do without Brad. If he wasn’t both emotionally willing and financially able to support me in this decision I’d be in a horrendous situation. The thought of putting Ash in daycare is absolutely horrifying to me. He needs so much love right now, and no one at a daycare would love him like I do. I can’t describe the depth of feeling I have for him, it’s the most powerful thing I’ve ever experienced, I can feel the evolutionary compulsion to love him and it’s both primal and beautiful.

Weirdly, I now have more personal identity than I did when I was working. I have the time and energy to do things that make me, me. I just do them with a wonderful little person on my hip! Spending time with the horses and seeing my family regularly are things I just couldn’t accommodate when giving so much time and energy to a job. I’m so happy my grandparents have been able to build a real relationship with their first (and probably only) great grandchild. And Ash is showing genuine interest in the horses which makes me incredibly excited. Horses are just good for the soul and I think he’ll grow up to love them.

So I’m more “me” than I’ve ever been, with more mental energy and more self worth. And I owe this impossible happiness entirely to my husband and my son.

It’s the kind of happiness that makes you think you don’t deserve it. But when I remember how much I’d been made to suffer and how I wanted to die just 4 and a half years ago I know that actually, I do deserve this.